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人生之钥-第4部分
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或许两边都有责任，他们都没能作出必要的让步和妥协。
有一天，在朗德斯通（Roundstone）的码头等船时，我遇到了有过几面之缘的一位作者。跟我在一块儿的是我的一个朋友，一个独自划着独木船环绕巴布亚新几内亚并沿途教授当地人英语的勇敢女子。
我们跟那位作者聊了聊，直到船来了要把我们送到一个离岸的小岛上。作者惊异地看了看我们，又看了看载我们的小船，“你们就坐这个去？”
“为什么不行呢？”我们不解地问他。他不可思议地摇了摇头，“这么一个小船，我觉得你们上不去。”
尽管当时被他这句话弄得我们士气极低，我俩还是像瞪羚般跳上了船。“怎么会这样？”我俩沮丧地问着对方，“我们怎么会变得这么无趣，两个中年的寒酸的人，在别人眼里就这么无趣吗？”
几个月后，我又遇见了那个作者。他又提到了上次我和我的朋友两个人挤进船上的那一幕。我被惹火了，回敬他道：“这有什么好奇怪的？”
他不好意思地笑道：“这就是我的问题所在，对船有恐怖症，如果我的生命只能依靠那样的小皮艇，我根本没办法克服自己的恐惧让自己进去。”
Duality 二重性（2）
这件事让我再一次明白，人是多么容易只从自己的角度看问题，甚至忽略了他人也同样是站在自己角度的事实。
不管你是多么地平静或平和，仍旧可能遇到这样的情形：那些你找不到理由不喜欢的人却不知怎的变成了你的敌人。他们不顾一切地中伤和毁谤你，破坏你一直以来的努力，戳你的痛处。
与任何一个好人一样，对于这种意想不到的敌意，你可能会拼命回想，找到可能的原因——我曾经做了什么会让这个人如此愤怒？我得罪别人了吗？是不是我错过了一条重要的信息？你会尽可能地找到原因，并焦虑地要把事情掰正。
然而，如果你所犯下的错误仅仅是做了你自己并且还想煞费苦心地改变它，这并不容易。
总会有一些人，他们就是不喜欢你的样子，不喜欢你说话、微笑的方式。这些跟你的个性、是否做了错事或是有什么缺点都没有关系。往往是你最好的特质招来了人的厌烦。
有些人就是会对那些没招惹他的人生气，对那些比他好的人产生敌意。他们永远不会原谅你，而且还会期待着你受到惩罚。
如果下次你与这样的人发生口角，别为此郁闷，尽可能地逃走吧，并且别忘提醒自己，你不是那个有问题的人。
One of the best things in life is the offering of good pany： ready laughter； easy camaraderie and； whenever needed； an ear to listen； a shoulder to cry on； a hand to hold。
True friendship； worth its weight in gold； is easy to define in that it’s perfectly balanced； unaffected by privilege or position； both parties contributing to the best of their ability；and no one ever taking advantage。
The desire for friendship as an insurance against loneliness and isolation like any basic need makes us vulnerable； open to exploitation by those who use the cloak of friendship to hide a host of less honourable intentions。
Reasonably harmless are the kind who are friendly only when they stand to gain from it。 Worse are those who； eaten by envy and resentment； raise themselves by lowering another； trample on one who extends a helping hand； gain control exerting insidious pressure； and delight in someone else’s degradation。
Such people often masquerade as friends； but； really； they are enemies out to destroy： Extremely dangerous – and best avoided。
So watch out for the signs： beware false friends； whilst at the same time doubling your appreciation of those who prove themselves true。
I know of a young family。 The woman doesn’t believe in marriage。 Her father was a difficult； abusive man； her mother brow…beaten； down…trodden。 Determined not to risk ending up like her； she retains control of home and children。
Her partner is a good family man。 He would dearly like to have legal rights to his own children； see them bear his name； be joint owner of the home they share。 As it is； their mother could at any time lock the door； throw him out； walk off with a new lover； taking the children with her。
I know a couple： a middle…aged business…man and a younger； professional woman。 His first marriage ended in divorce。 It cost him a lot of money。 Never again； he vows； will he put himself at such disadvantage。
His partner dreams of marriage and a family； but her reality is a long…term limbo。 The man’s friends don’t quite accept her。 The ex…wife won’t let the children meet her。 Occasions with his family place her discreetly in the background。 She feels they all regard her as inferior： the one not good enough； or loved enough； to be his wife。
There must be many similar scenarios； where the ones who； for reasons of their own； won’t mit themselves have it all their way； whilst those willing to give themselves freelysuffer in silence。
“How is married life？” I asked a childhood friend over a cup of coffee。 We were in our mid…twenties； hadn’t seen each other for years。 I’d heard she’d got married shortly after leaving school。
Duality 二重性（3）
“Not all it’s cracked up to be。” There was no mistaking the disillusion in her voice。 As she busied herself stirring her coffee； a tear fell from her eye； straight into the cup。
“He doesn’t make me happy；” she revealed despondently； surprising me； who had girlish illusions of marriage as a state of eternal bliss。 “What about him？” I inquired。 “How does he feel？”
Her reply was a blank look。 I probed further： “Is he unhappy； too？” She shrugged。 “Haven’t you talked to him about it？” “There’s no point；” she said dismissively。 “He’s not what I had hoped for。”
The girl may have been young and spoilt； but I’ve thought of her often in terms of relationships thwarted as a gap opens up between the expectations of one party and the failure to deliver of the other。
Who of the parties is to blame？ The one making excessive； unrealistic demands； or the one who won’t – or can’t – measure up？
Probably both； for failing to make the necessary promises to meet halfway。
Waiting on the quay in Roundstone； I spotted an author whom I knew slightly。 With me was a friend： an intrepid woman who had spent years of her life paddling a canoe round Papua New Guinea teaching English to the native population。
We chatted with him； until the craft arrived to take us away to an off…shore island。 The author stared aghast from us to the rib。 “You’re going off – in that？”
“Why ever not？” we asked； disconcerted。 He shook his head incredulously。 “I can’t see either of you getting into a boat like that。”
We leapt in like gazelles in front of him； though our morale was at an all…time low。 “How did this happen？” we asked ourselves dejectedly。 “How did we bee so dull； middle…aged and frumpish； that other people can’t imagine us having a bit of fun？”
Months later； when I next met the author； he was still going on about the two of us setting off in the rib。 Annoyed； I challenged him： “What was so strange about that？”
He smiled deprecatingly。 “It’s just that I have a problem with boats。 A kind of phobia。 I wouldn’t get into one of those rubber dinghies if my life depended on it。”
And I noted； yet again； how easy it is to view things purely out of your own perspective； overlooking the fact that the other person is doing eactly the same。
No matter how placid and peaceful you are； it will occasionally happen that people you have no reason to dislike turn out to be your enemy。 Go out of their way to spite and slander； sabotage your best efforts； injure where it hurts most。
Like any decent person； you will react to such unexplained hostility by searching deep into your memory to find the underlying reason。 What could you have done to provoke such antagonism？ Stepped on a tender toe？ Missed an important message？ You’ll be anxious to put things right。
That won’t be easy； however； if the crime of which you’re guilty is； simply； to be yourself： something you’d be at pains to alter。
There are people who will detest you for the way you look； or talk； or smile。 Nothing to do with unpleasant characteristics； wrongdoings or shortings。 Usually it is your very best qualities that are causing the annoyance。
People of the kind who take offence where no offence is meant also tend to cultivate hatred of anyone better adjusted。 They’ll never forgive you and they’ll see to it that you’re punished。
When you next have a run…in with one of these； don’t let it upset you。 Just run as fast as you can； taking care to remind yourself that you’re not the one with a problem。
Integration 混沌（1）
全球变暖正包围着整个世界。大自然的这一不友好信号，在北半球正通过加速南极洲的冰山融化速度传递着。全球变暖也正在让全世界各个角落的气候发生变化。
最近的研究显示，地球的生态系统之间非常相近：南极洲的珊瑚和浮游生物对气候变化的反应影响着北部海域中的类似物种，尽管二者所遭遇的环境变化并不完全相同。
如果在一个遥远地方使用一罐烟雾剂，就会对地球另一端的生物有机体产生影响。那么，我们是否也可以将其解读成：地球上的一切事物在本质上都或多或少地存在联系呢？
伟大的思想者一直都认为，联系处处存在，没有什么是孤立的，人尤其如此。
我们都是同一个大系统中的一部分，比珊瑚虫和浮游生物有更多的彼此联系和彼此依赖。然而，不同的是，我们都保有某种程度的控制。我们能够决定自己，也能决定自己和外物的关联程度。
我们应该铭记自己有多强大——所采取的每一个行动、所讲的每一个字、所想的每一个念头，都足以对这个世界产生或好或坏的影响。
当今的西方世界非常重视智力二字。在人类的所有特性之中，这似乎是最令人垂涎的。每个人都希望自己聪明，只有傻瓜才想让自己愚蠢。
一些正式的IQ测试主要是基于对人类语言和数学技巧的衡量来设计的。它们与文化和背景不相关，但是，这些难道不正应该是我们的学校要去尽力鼓励和培养的吗？
这可能会让你心生疑问——我们现代的课程设计是不是有点漫无边际了？可是看到那些判断力强且具有道德感的事情，总是令人愉悦的。
再来说说情商——它是谨慎而巧妙地应对个人和他人情感的能力。
想象一下，如果每个人都知道并掌握自己的动机和目标；学会在洞察和理解他人的基础上建立和谐的关系……我们将会避免多少冲突；团队和合作将会获得多么大的改善。所有事情都将会变得更让人满意。
但是，现代教育者大都避开了这一无法定量衡量的教育方式。我们究竟该不该在学校的课程中学习人性，至今还是令人怀疑的。
我在报纸上读过关于一个母亲的故事。她的儿子因为一部手机与人发生争执，结果被刺死了。她正在以受害者的名字建立一个基金会，帮助那些与杀了她儿子类似的年轻人重回正轨。
社会上那些年轻的误入歧途的人，远远比基金会里面的那些年轻犯错者多得多。社会并没有负起责任，教给这些年轻人应该知道的自律，也没有教会他们如何关怀别人、控制自己。她希望基金会的工作不仅仅能帮助那些个别的孩子，也能帮助所有类似的人。
她最后说，自己能够理解那些犯错少年的父母们，他们知道，自己的骨肉正在经受着愧疚的煎熬。
在当地的一家商店里，我发现大家都在讨论这篇文章。“这母亲一定是个圣人，”一个年迈的顾客说道，“如果是我，我会看着杀我儿子的人上绞刑架。”
“她的心啊，”一个年轻女人叹道，“她的心没有跟儿子一起破碎真是奇迹。”
“我同意她的做法，”那位带着7个孩子的寡妇店主说，“看看我们生存的这个世界，死亡并不是最可怕的事情。”
“我有一件事不能理解，”有一次，一位政客对我说，“为什么得到总是与付出的时间和精力不能成正比。我每次全身心付出时都像是冒险，而那些我不怎么上心的事情，却是最让我安慰的。”
这些话让我回忆起了很多年前，我在戏剧班的时候一位老师给出的建议。当时她对所有即将成为演员的人说道：不断地去试镜吧，把你们自己的简历发放出去，缠着那些制片人。你可能不会得到你期望的角色，但是据我的经验，努力总会有回报。机会会出现的，尽管可能从一个你从未期待的方向出现。
为什么会这样？我曾经疑问过。但是现在我要说，为什么就不是这样呢？我们怎么可能事先测量出别人的反应呢？如果我们能办到那才真的奇怪呢，因为别人都有我们无法得知的、属于自己的目的。
但只要我们去尝试，把自己的天赋和努力投入到你所要从事的事情中去，便总是会有回应。
你所要做的就是，不断去尝试和努力，不被失败和拒绝折磨；坚信努力总会有回报，尽管可能不是以我们期待的方式。
机遇的平等性是普遍公认的理想观点。谁不同意“人人应该拥有同样公平的机会”呢？
但是，如何才能称作公平？这一原则在现实生活中，与平等的概念完全相反——没有机会去享受机会的人总是比比皆是。
如果所有的竞争者都是在同一起跑线上，这可能反倒不寻常了。你可以问问那些小学老师们，让他们辨别一下在那些7岁的学生中，谁对社会的贡献可能不怎么大。他们的预言多数都是正确的。
Integration 混沌（2）
那些被归类为班级差生的小家伙们，有的可能就此便沉沦下去，或者也有可能远离被认为是反社会的那些行为：犯罪或沉溺，成为那些所谓先进的、狭窄的价值观体系的受害者。在这一价值观体系下，社会只承认和鼓励少数几个“优秀”的品质。
但是，我们中的每一个人，都能够开发出某种潜质，也都能贡献自己的某些价值。每个人生来总是有与他人平等的、属于自己的位置和作用。
我们都有让自己人生丰盈的能力，也有权利去超越自己，做一个更好的自己。
一个真正公平的社会，不是建立在平等的机会上，而是建立在平等的价值观体系上。
Global warming； as the term suggests； enpasses the whole world。 Environmentally unfriendly practices in the northern hemisphere accelerate the rapid melting of the ice cap in South Antarctica； which in turn has a bearing on weather patterns world…wide。
From recent research it appears that the earth’s eco…systems are so closely related that reactions by Antarctic coral and phytoplankton to adapt to changing climatic conditions are echoed by similar species in northern seas； although these are not subject to the same environmental changes。
If the use of an aerosol can in some remote spot can have an osmotic impact on living organisms at opposite ends of the world； does it not follow that all things on earth are somehow intrinsically connected？
Great thinkers have long maintained that nothing exists in isolation； human beings least of all。
We are part of the same system； no less connected； no less interdependent； than the coral and plankton。 Different； though； in that we retain a measure of control。 We are able to decide for ourselves what we do with ourselves and our heritage。
As long as we remember just how powerful we are。 Each move we make； each word spoken； each thought passing through our brain is enough to affect the world for better or； indeed； for worse。
Today’s Western world sets great store by intelligence。 Of all human characteristics； it seems to be the one most coveted。 Everyone wants to be clever – only fools like to think themselves stupid。
The official IQ tests that have been devised to measure mental ability in figures； focus on linguistic and mathematical skills。 They are supposed to be independent of culture and background； but they reflect the skills and talentsencouraged and developed in our schools。
It makes you wonder if perhaps our modern syllabus isn’t far too limited。 It would be nice to see things like good sense and ethical awareness promoted to serve the mon good。
Not to mention emotional intelligence： the ability to handle carefully； constructively； your own emotions as well as those of others。
Imagine if everyone was taught to understand and master person…al motivations and instinctive urges； trained to build harmonious relations based on insight and consideration of others… So many conflicts would be avoided； teamwork and co…operation improved； better results achieved all round。
But modern educators shy away from that which cannot be quantified。 It’s doubtful whether we shall ever see the study of human nature on a school syllabus。
I read in the paper about a mother； whose son had been stabbed to death for the sake of his mobile phone。 She was setting up a found…ation in the victim’s name to help rehabilitate delinquent youths of the kind who had killed her son。
Blaming his death； not so much on the perpetrators as on the social system that had produced them： a system failing badly in its obligation towards young people in desperate need of discipline； care and control； she hoped the work of the foundation would benefit not only the individuals targeted but anyone ever to e in their way。
Integration 混沌（3）
She finished by saying that her heart went out to those parents who had to live with the knowledge that their own flesh and blood were guilty of such an act。
In the local shop I found the article under discussion。 “That mother must be a saint；” uttered one elderly customer。 “If that had been me； I’d have campaigned to see them hanged。”
“The strength of her！” sighed a young woman。 “Isn’t it a wonder that she wasn’t broken altogether？”
“Perhaps she came to the same conclusion as I did；” said the shop…keeper； herself a widow with seven children。 “That； considering the world we live in； death is not the worst thing that can happen to a person。”
“One thing I can’t understand；” a politician once said to me； “is why one’s achievements are hardly ever in proportion to the time and energy spent on a project。 Ventures I give my heart and soul to e to nothing； whereas others； to which I pay only scant attention； fall neatly into place。”
It reminded me of advice given many years ago by one of my teachers at drama school。 “Keep going to auditions；” she told the group of prospective actors。 “Send out your details； pester producers。 You may never get the parts you hope for； but in my experience； effort is always rewarded。 An offer will e your way – though often from a direction you never anticipated。”
Why is that so？ I wondered then。 Now I say； why ever not？ How could we possibly expect to gauge in advance other people’s reactions？ It would be curious indeed if we could； since they have motives of their own； of which we know nothing。
But as long as we reach out； put into the world what we have of talents and mitment； like bread upon the waters it will e back– in one shape or another。
The thing to do is to keep trying； unfazed by rejection or failure； on the assumption that efforts do pay off； even though not necessarily in the way we expected。
Equality of opportunity is a fine ideal generally subscribed to。 Who wouldn’t agree that everyone should be given the same fair chance？
But how can we call it fair？ This principle； when applied； is the very anti…thesis of equality： a cruel weeding out of those unable to take advantage of the opportunities extended。
It would be different if all contenders started at the same base line。 But ask any primary school teacher to identify those seven…year…old pupils they consider unlikely to be “of much use to society”。 Their predictions will be largely accurate。
The little ones thus relegated to the bottom of the class will soon fall through the net and likely as not end up on the slag…heap of anti…social behaviour； crime and addiction：victims of a rigid value system that recognizes and rewards only certain narrowly defined assets。
But everyone； each and every one of us； has some potential worth exploring； something of value to contribute。 There is a place and role for every person born； none more； or less； important than the other。
We all have the ability to flourish as well as the right to excel；at our own level； on our own terms。
A truly fair society is based； not on equal opportunities but on a system of equal values。
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Gender 性别（1）
在我看来，没有所谓的女性的解放，解放要么存在于两个人之间，要不根本不存在。
作为一种概念，这种想法一定是存在于那些天真的女孩子脑子里的，她们把自己的身体当作一种他人可以享用的资产来看待。
与她们的母亲不同，她们的母亲往往经过了长久的对爱情的困惑后，将性视作一种羞耻和恐惧。现如今的女性都有种自由的精神，对自己的吸引力很有信心。她们自在地走进期待的世界中，试图品尝与男性之间平等的关系。
但情况往往是，她所遇到的男性，并未把女性的这种行为同样解读为女性解放，而仅仅将其视作她是在免费奉献她自己。
这种男人要么会利用她、伤她的心，要么可能在让女孩儿怀孕后，欺骗、遗弃、利用、虐待她。
很多年后，女人在回首往事的时候，一定想知道到底是什么摧毁了自己？作为一个女人她做错了什么？她曾经的信心到哪里去了？
那些运气好的少数女子，碰到的可能是与自�
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